I would like to write about what it means to be thirty one; creating something beautiful to capture this moment in my life.
But my fingers and heart both feel too open to capture these words.
I’m feeling frazzled, dear friends, frazzled.
And any attempt to write about it, to sum it all up, comes across either as a funny caricature or a too bitter list of complaints.
When in all reality the difficulties of having three children under four years old is leaving me a bit speechless, a bit overwhelmed.
I have often found gifts in saying more with less.
Less words, lots of restraint.
Prune it down, piece it out.
Show something that is there for all of us through a particular lens.
My heart is full of gratitude. My body is tired. These facts feel in conflict with each other.
I have given birth to three big beautiful healthy boys in the last four years. Some times I look at the three of them and feel both extreme love and gratitude and overwhelming fatigue.
I’m going to be kind to myself. Kind to my unwashed hair. Kind to my post-partum body (in writing these words I will try to not compare myself to what I looked like after my first baby or after my second, and my goodness, certainly not what I looked like a year ago, no, I will not.), to my frazzled mind. I am going to be as kind to myself as I would be to a sister, to a friend.
I am going to give myself the gift of submission. I think I have been holding onto too many expectations of myself, living in my mind too much, too many thoughts circling around on themselves. Things have been too tight. It’s easy to say ‘I’m going to let things go’. But, what will I let go? How much? What will that mean? It’s time to let go of the not knowing, the unease, the attempt to find the right words. I’m letting go of all of it.
Somewhere I learned there is beauty in the imperfect.
That, in fact, there is no such thing as perfect.
There is beauty everywhere.
Today I choose to see it.
That is my gift to myself.
9 comments:
such a beautiful, honest post, mandy. i think that being a mother in our culture and our time is a difficult position. there is so much that is expected of us and that we expect from ourselves: to be everything to our children and husbands, to keep a house clean and running, to keep the kitchen and the garden producing a constant stream of food, to keep our careers or the identities we had before we had our children, to keep the bodies we had before we had our children, to maintain all our relationships with friends and family the same as they were before we had children... i could go on and on. and the fact is that it is too much. no woman can be all that all of the time. there is freedom in the letting go. in focusing on the here and now and not worrying about the rest.
you know, when i take trips out to the grocery store and the library, i see other mothers, and they all look so put together. they look so clean, their clothes so nice. they don't seem frazzled or rushed, as i feel. i wonder sometimes how i look to them. i feel so much less put together, as i juggle so many things in a day. but i wonder if we put the most pressure on ourselves. if we look like we are doing just fine, because, in fact, we are.
have you read When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron? i don't know if this is up your alley or not, but i am reading it right now (slowly but surely!) and i am finding it to be such a gift. she talks a lot about the peace that is to be found in groundlessness, when the pieces that you have used to construct your story, your identity fall apart and you are just left with who you really are. i think this speaks a lot to being a mother to young children. and i think that my child is a gift to me in this way, and i am trying in the moments when i feel frazzled and too tired to remember that.
i can only imagine how tired you must be right now, mandy, with three beautiful bouncing boys in the house. i'm glad that you're going to be gentle with yourself. so much love to you!
and happy birthday!
This was one of the most wonderfully written pieces I've read! You summed up your moments so well. Mothering is one of the hardest jobs ever....I cracked with two kids at home, 18 months apart. I went running back into the workforce as fast as I could, just to give myself a break. And when child number three came along, I only took 6 weeks off. Now, I have my regrets but at the time I couldn't handle the constant demands of being a mother 24-7. You deserve a pat on the back and a gift.
Such beautiful and important words, Mandy. (And lovely contributions by Meredith and The Jolly Bee as well). I completely sympathize with that frazzled feeling. I can only imagine what it feels times three! Please do be kind to yourself. Choosing to see the beauty is the best gift, even though that too can be a challenge. I'm sending peaceful vibes your way.
What a real and beautiful post! And if you can find this place of acceptance of yourself and your life and how they balance with your expectations you WILL truly be giving yourself a gift. A precious and beautiful gift. I wish that for you, my friend.
I have struggled with this as well. It all kind of came to a head when I started my blog. Keeping up with the blog has helped me to find some of that acceptance of myself as well.
I hope you are reading this after a long, well-deserved nap.
Hugs!
Happy Birthday Mandy! I feel like you so so many days, and I have just two. You have your hands quite full to say the least. Definitely, be kind to yourself & don't pressure yourself, but just enjoy (easier said than done, right?!). Sending hugs to you sweet friend. :-)
First, happy belated birthday to you!
beautiful post, Mandy. I always love your poetic words and here they are so honest, open, vulnerable yet strong. Hang in there and keep it simple, keep the pressure off yourself, and continue to find beauty in each day (and maybe a little nap or two, too)
thank you all for your kind words. they mean a lot to me.
I came here looking for your bread recipe but this post really reasonated with me. Thanks for sharing.
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